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God this is awful. I haven't yet tracked down who wrote this, but you can just see them, as they sit lazily at their keyboard, ticking off each point on a sheet of paper headed "SECRET FORMULA FOR MAKING A HIT RECORD". The inevitable truck driver's gear change (the last bullet, as it were, on their list) is as inspiring as being bashed in the head with a battering ram.

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I don't know whether anyone has heard of Gareth Gates outside the UK, but in case you're not aware of his work, he was the runner-up in the 2002 "Pop Idol" TV "phenomenon". The series was of course cynically scheduled to finish just in time to tap into the lucrative Christmas market, which explains the presence of chimes on this track.