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So you're a global consulting firm and your pride has been dented. Very dented. Because you, Ernst & Young, have been upstaged by your rivals with their show-stopping corporate anthem KPMG (As Strong As Can Be), with its dream of power and energy and, let's be honest, its compelling vision of global strategy. And its mammoth key change.

In these circumstances, what can you do? How can you claw back market share and differentiate yourself from those losers over at KPMG? Simple: bastardise a gospel standard with some crock about teamwork and leadership, and then throw in a sickening moment involving the words "break it down", a little funky bit, and then – only then – crank in the gear shift.

I have no idea who is singing on this track, let alone who are the backing band that Ernst & Young paid to wheel out this crap, but they are no doubt mildly ashamed of themselves and quite willing to skulk in the shadows of anonymity. Or you'd have thought so, until you realise that everyone concerned seemed quite happy to appear on camera performing at some sort of Ernst & Young recruitment event – see "Related stuff" below.

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Related stuff

To really set this performance in context, you have to see it in all its awesome glory with a backdrop of be-suited consultants clapping along and generally "getting down" to the Happy Ernst & Young Day depicted in this clip from one of their recruitment events. This is truly car-crash corporate services, and if you can bear to watch through to the end, there is an astonishing vocal finale which will leave you grasping for the sick bag.

And that's not all... Ernst & Young weren't content with just one corporate anthem. They also did an atrocious song called something like "E-Y, E-Y, Ernst & Young", which goes for more of a New Kids on the Block vibe. I can justify not including it here because it doesn't contain a gear change. Presumably they decided it was bad enough already.